Wait a second.. Cheez-its? Seriously?

Despite appearances, I actually don’t do drugs. Never was my scene. In fact, there was a period of time during college and afterward that experimentation was so rampant with my “peers” that the very idea of my not dabbling in the recreational pharmaceuticals was something people almost always commented on.

People are funny.

So despite my lack of interest in party games with biochemistry, I had plenty of friends who were exactly that sort of preoccupied. And since these were people I thought were cool and all, their getting high and my not getting high didn’t preclude the Venn Diagram of our friendship from intersecting because, hell, that ain’t how I roll, son.

Several years ago, I was at a party at a stoner friend’s place and her guests were getting kind of hungry since, wouldn’t you know it, she hadn’t laid out any food. She was already pretty baked and since she was totally cool with my being in her kitchen, she just turned to me and essentially told me to feed everyone.

To this I just shrugged and went, “Pfft, okay.” She, of course, went back to her smoke-filled den of iniquity.

If there was anything to be said about a bunch of stoners, it’s that they get the munchies bad. Real bad. So when I went through her cupboards, I wasn’t too, too surprised that I found tons of snacks. It was like she was preparing for a snack attack of fallout shelter proportions. There were Little Debbie cakes, Wheat Thins, Baked Lays (no, the joke was not lost on me), Tostitos.. stuff like that. One thing, though, caught my eye:

Yes, Cheez-its.

I love Cheez-its. If given the chance, I could easily consume a box of their cheesy, crispy goodness without any provocation whatsoever. Seriously. Given the other ingredients my friend had on-hand that were actual food food and not munchie cure-alls, I decided to try something a little different with the aforementioned snack. And so began my adventure with Cheez-it Crusted Chicken Fingers.

I had heard of folks breading chicken with Ritz crackers before and thought, hey, this would be way better than that: Cheez-its have their own oil to them and would make any breading that they would be a part of moist and flavorful. Plus, the cheese that’s a part of their make-up would impart a pleasant saltiness and savoriness. It all sounded good on paper and when I made them, they were a big hit (especially with the stoners).

It wouldn’t be for another six or seven years until the idea to make them bubbled to the surface again. This time, though, I had not only a couple more years experience in the kitchen but, hey, I also had me a camera.

Check it out:

In a shallow bowl or plate, crush a couple cups of Cheez-its. Don’t crush them so much that they turn into a fine powder, no, but, rather, crush them enough so that they will impart some kind of texture when used as breading. Throw in some Parmesan, thyme and parsley and mix the whole mess. Set this bowl aside.

See those chicken pieces in that photo? Those are chicken breasts, sliced thin (some butterflied, even) and pounded until they’re an even thickness (thinness?). This’ll help make sure that they cook evenly, of course. After a sprinkling of salt to draw out their moisture, they were dredged through some corn starch.

Behold the breading staging area: First comes the corn starch, then the skinny dipping in scrambled egg (the green bowl) and then finally, gloriously, the chicken is run through the Cheez-it breading.

Heat some oil in a large pan until it starts to steam and then turn the heat down to medium. Carefully place your breaded chicken bits in the oil and allow them a couple minutes to goldenify.

NB:
I would not advise using a lot of vegetable oil (maybe just barely enough to cover the bottom of the fry pan you’re using) as, like I mentioned earlier, the Cheez-its already have their own oil.

You’ll need to flip them, of course.

And when they’re done, set them aside. You won’t see it here but these bad boys were originally placed on paper towels to soak up any of the excess oil before they engaged in the crazy pile-up action pictured here. Now, the great thing about these li’l guys after they’ve been sopped up of extra oil was the fact that they were practically finger food, having been breaded and such to be a nice solid and firm shape.

And, hey, I’m all for there being more meaty-type finger foods in the world, thank you very much. So, score.

Though my friend and I did wind up eating them as finger food as well, we decided to have ours with three-colored cheese tortellini.

..as well as some peas and carrots.

Though it made a nice sort of presentation what with the colors and such, the flavors didn’t intermingle as hoped for. The chicken was pretty savory what with the Cheez-it cheese and with the additional cheese in the tortellini.. it kind of didn’t, ya know, go. The vegetables were fine since, really, they offered balance in the form of natural sweetness. All in all, the final plated result was by no means horrible or inedible. It was still tasty. It could have just been a better gestalt than what wound up being produced. In the future, I would do this again but not with cheesy pasta. Instead, I would totally go with mashed potatoes. The salty/savory flavors at work with the chicken fingers would play nicely with the creaminess of mashed potatoes.

Cheez-it Crusted Chicken Fingers

what you’ll need

• 1 lb of boneless, skinless chicken breasts
• 2-3 cups of Cheez-its, crushed
• 1/4 c finely grated Parmesan cheese
• 1-2 T parsley
• 1 T thyme
• 2-3 cups of corn starch
• 2 large eggs
• vegetable oil
• kosher salt

what to do

1. Cut up chicken into thin, flat slices, pounding the chicken to an even thickness.
2. Sprinkle chicken slices with salt.
3. In a shallow bowl or plate, pour out corn starch.
4. Grab another bowl and beat the two eggs in it.
5. In another shallow bowl or plate, combine Cheez-its, parsley, thyme and Parmesan cheese. Mix thoroughly.
6. Dredge chicken breast slices through corn starch, then the scrambled eggs and then finally through the Cheez-it mixture. Set aside.
7. Heat just enough oil in a large pan to cover the bottom. Allow to steam before turning heat down to medium.
8. Fry up individual breaded chicken fingers until golden, flipping as necessary.
9. When done, set aside to drain of excess oil.
10. Enjoy!